It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Bill Brasky, woke up in a lemur-infested moor. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling barely stunned, Bill Brasky deflowered a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Happy as a frickin' monkey, he realized that his beloved iPad was missing! Immediately he called his enemy in training, Leroy Jenkins. Bill Brasky had known Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were curious ones. Leroy Jenkins was unique. She was easygoing though sometimes a little... pestering. Bill Brasky called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very angry Bill Brasky. Leroy Jenkins calmly assured him that most man-eating capybaras cringe before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually exotically shudder *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Bill Brasky. Why was Leroy Jenkins trying to distract Bill Brasky? Because she had snuck out from Bill Brasky's with the iPad only eleven days prior. It was a enticing little iPad... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Bill Brasky got back to the subject at hand: his iPad. Leroy Jenkins sneezed. Relunctantly, Leroy Jenkins invited him over, assuring him they'd find the iPad. Bill Brasky grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy Jenkins realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the iPad and she had to do it fearlessly. She figured that if Bill Brasky took the tricked out go kart, she had take at least seven minutes before Bill Brasky would get there. But if he took the Segway? Then Leroy Jenkins would be alarmingly screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was interrupted by eight selfish marmots that were lured by her iPad. Leroy Jenkins sneezed; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling stunned, she skillfully reached for her banana and carefully stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Segway rolling up. It was Bill Brasky.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, Bill Brasky was out of the Segway and went exotically jaunting toward Leroy Jenkins's front door. Meanwhile inside, Leroy Jenkins was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the iPad into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind her hammock. Leroy Jenkins was relieved but at least the iPad was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Leroy Jenkins wildly purred. With a calculated push, Bill Brasky opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive rationality-deprived retard in a curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala),' he lied. 'It's fine,' Leroy Jenkins assured him. Bill Brasky took a seat exotically proximate to where Leroy Jenkins had hidden the iPad. Leroy Jenkins turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Bill Brasky was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Leroy Jenkins noticed a dimwitted look on Bill Brasky's face. Bill Brasky slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Leroy Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in her taint when Bill Brasky asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the iPad right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A insensitive look started to form on Bill Brasky's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Bill Brasky nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Leroy Jenkins could react, Bill Brasky recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The iPad was plainly in view.
Bill Brasky stared at Leroy Jenkins for what what must've been seven seconds. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Leroy Jenkins groped surreptitiously in Bill Brasky's direction, clearly desperate. Bill Brasky grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door. It was locked. Leroy Jenkins let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Bill Brasky,' she rebuked. Leroy Jenkins always had been a little insensitive, so Bill Brasky knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Leroy Jenkins did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at her or something. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he gripped his iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Leroy Jenkins looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Bill Brasky. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Bill Brasky. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Leroy Jenkins walked over to the window and looked down. Bill Brasky was gone.
Just yonder, Bill Brasky was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind Leroy Jenkins's place. Bill Brasky had severely hurt his love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad. One by one they latched on to Bill Brasky. Already weakened from his injury, Bill Brasky yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots running off with his iPad.
But then God came down with His smart smile and restored Bill Brasky's iPad. Feeling displeased, God smote the marmots for their injustice. Then He got in His nappy, busted-out hatchback and blasted away with the fortitude of 550,000 spotted wolf hamsters running from a teensy pack of man-eating capybaras. Bill Brasky ran with joy when he saw this. His iPad was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in four minutes his favorite TV show, Two and a Half Men, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When venomous koalas meet ebola'). Bill Brasky was ecstatic. And so, everyone except Leroy Jenkins and a few bloody glove-toting venomous koalas lived blissfully happy, forever after.
L337 Story Generator v1.0
Written by Derek Clark – Copyright © www.the-elite.net 2004-present
Forever pwning with earnest.